When I was younger I used to stay up with my cousin Ana Claudia, and we would explain to each other just how we dreamed someone would propose to us. Then we'd go into details on how our wedding would be.
I wanted a wedding outside, in June...24. I don't know why, but that's what I wanted. I wanted flower petals in my hair and beautiful white gown. I wanted my fiancee to mouth I love you as I walked down the isle, and I wanted blues and greens everywhere. I wanted the reception by the beach, and the ceremony in the grass....It was my fairytale wedding.
As I grew older, I began dreaming of a winter wonderland....I wanted ice sculptures and a room with a glass wall, and on the other side would be a frozen lake, with snowflakes falling. I wanted a December wedding, December 15th, seemed so perfect. I still wanted the blues, but now I wanted Burgundy too. My groom would still mouth an I love you, and everyone would smile at me.
And as I grew up even more, both my June fairytale, and my December winter wonderland seemed to be thrown away into the garbage bin. They seemed like foolish little girl fantasies that would never happen.
Now, I dream of a small wedding sometimes. I dream of a small one room church and just smiling...that's all I want, to smile.
So what's my issue today? It's all the other times, that I don't dream of the small wedding. Instead, I think it may not happen.
Times like these make my heart clench in a way that pains me to no end. I could not begin to describe the torment I go through. My heart feels like it has 200 pounds worth of pressure standing on it, my throat is clogged and the lump in it grows so that I won't erupt into screams of hysteria.
My eyes they water, not like a waterfall, but more like a the rain in the very beginning right before a storm. One tear drops down my face, then another on the other side, and so it continues. It's quiet.
I think what hurts the most, is that most people don't realize when I'm hurting. I can always tell when my friends are hurting even through ims, because I care enough to figure it out. None of them ever figure it out for me. I can be standing up right there in front of them, smiling and at the same time I'm thinking, "Can't they notice. Notice how broken I am?". And then I wonder if any of them would ask what's wrong, without me making it obvious that I feel this way first.
I want to change the world, I don't know how. I want to care for people, and I want people to care for me. I feel suffocated, like I have no room to breath, and no one is helping me get the air I'm in serious need of.
I wonder if any of the three weddings I have planned in my life will come to life one day. I think then I'll find it the happiest day of my life. The man who would give me that, hell, I'd never question spending my life with him, I think. (Then again maybe it will be a her...)
I think in the end, what scares me the most is that I'll end up like my parents. Fighting, yelling, slamming doors, and making my kids wish they had better lives. Making them hide in their rooms and listen to things kids shouldn't have to....
I wonder what all this could mean....
xoxo
Chaos
